Egads!
by Heavy Metal Hammers
Summary: Three wizards, two witches, trapped in one REALLY bad work of fiction with some seriously psychotic Mary Sues. Sarcastic comments, aplenty. Enter at your own risk... or are you already inside? ...


A/N: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. Yes, it is indeed a horrific work of fiction that is both an eyesore as well as poison to connoisseurs of Fanfiction. But of course we HAD to disgrace it by MSTing! Yes, you heard right. You don't see one of these anymore here... but we couldn't resist. There HAS to be someone to discourage adjectives adjectives Harry Potter fanfictions. Anyway, enjoy.. and you know where the review button is !

Draco: Oh, um, yeah, we're back.  
Harry: Unfortunately, we're still stuck here.  
Hermione: Without wands.  
Ron: But lots of food, though! So we're all good!  
All: -glare-  
Ron: Uhm… this chapter will witness the death of me!  
All: -mellow down-  
Ron: -grumbles- Have to stick with the usuals, always. Bah. Anyhow, where IS that ham sandwich dude!

**Disclaimer: we (me and brooke)  
**Draco: TWO horrors! The HORROR!

**do not own Harry Potter. If we did...we would be rich!  
**Hermione: And therefore have no need to type up trash and put it up on the net… though rich people tend to do that too… -glares at Draco-  
Draco: Hey, that was only ONE fic. And by the way, this is reality, so excuse me, it's legitimate literature.  
Harry: Excuses, Malfoy!  
Luna: He's rich _and_ he's full of excuses! Draco, will you marry me?  
All: ...

**Chapter One:  
**Hermione: Implying there's a second, and so on… oh, someone give me a lemon!  
Draco: -leers- Is that how you calm down, Granger?  
Hermione: Yes, it… -thwacks Draco- So does this, too.  
Ron: -smirks- I like it when girls do what I can't.  
All: -look strangely at Ron-  
Ron: Erm…

**" He likes me better, and you know it, Saydie!"  
**All: DIE!  
…  
Ron: Didn't work.  
Harry: You think? It seems like it worked on us.  
Draco: Saydie KNOWS it and this dense person's _still _informing her. Sigh.

**screamed Pandora. She glared at Saydie  
**All: DIE!  
Hermione: I HATE it when instructions don't work!

**with an evil glint. Saydie  
**All: DIE!  
Harry: Well, maybe you have to say it six times or something. Wish I had the Prince's book…  
Draco: Why, love the Prince so much? Is he like Gilderoy number two or something?  
Hermione: It's Snape.  
Draco: My god, Potter… I had no idea…  
Harry: Let's get on with this, please?  
Hermione: Wait a minute, where exactly is the glint? Or is it just a random evil glint?  
Harry: No it has to be somewhere…  
Hermione: Ew, Malfoy, you just drooled on my HAND!  
Luna: Ew Malfoy... you just drooled on her HAND! That's wrong dude, totally... drool on mine.  
Hermione: -Flattens Luna with heavy metal hammer-

**stared back.**

**"NO HE DOESN'T! He soo loves me more...I gave him an apple  
**Ron: Mmm… if someone gave me an apple, I'd love them forever and a day.  
Hermione: Are you watching Pokemon again, Ron!  
Ron: Um, no. -mutters- Oh, I'd give her a Thundershock any day with my ultra mega cool Pikachu…

**last year...and he took it!"  
**Draco: I'd grab a girl's apple too, myself…  
Hermione: Care to grab mine?  
Draco: I said a _girl's_, Granger.  
Hermione: -flattens Draco with a heavy metal hammer- That's the exact thing to say, right? When you're not afraid of your life?

**"Maybe he was hungry! I gave him a girlfriend!"  
**Harry: He was hungry, so she gives him a girlfriend to eat?  
Hermione: That's pretty savage.  
Draco: Hell, I eat my girlfriend every night!  
Ron: -goes blue in the face-  
Hermione: From now on, Malfoy, keep your private life TO YOURSELF!  
Draco: H-hai.  
Luna: I wonder how his girlfriend tasted though... goddammit Draco you still haven't drooled on my hand!  
Everyone:...

**"Who?"  
**Ron: Is she referring to the people who want to leave this hell?  
Everyone: ME!  
Beat.  
Hermione: GODDAMIT.

**"YOU! I have some one else!"  
**Everyone: REJOICE! Freedom beckons!  
Beat.  
Harry: GODDAMIT.

**"Who!"  
**Everyone: ME!  
Beat.  
Draco: Godda- Oh, nevermind.  
Harry: A question mark (?)and an exclamation (!), I wonder if she's going to die soon.  
Hermione: What does a question mark and an exclamation have to with her dying?  
Harry: The point is, she's dying.

**"Draco Malfoy!"  
**Draco: YIIIIIIII -tugs hair, eyes go wild-  
Harry: 'Tis not a pretty sight.  
Hermione: -Folds sleeves-  
Luna: If I knew what the bloody was going on in this story who on bloody earth was speaking, I'd kill her!

**"Wow...Um...okay...well...you guys go good together..."  
**Draco: GO GOOD MY ASS!  
Harry: Agh… my imagination has just run away with me again…

**Part Two  
**Everyone: -Try to stab selves with sharp knives-  
Draco: (frustrated) Figures we'd be immortal in the Hell Hole.  
Pansy Parkinson: Someone call for me?

**The sky was bright blue as Harry Potter  
**Hermione: Why Harry, belong to a new race, do you?  
Harry: Oh yes! Look at my bright blue hair!  
Ron: Harry, you have black hair. Everyone knows that, duh!  
All: -awkward pause-  
Draco: What? He's right!

**Saydie and Pandora Black,  
**Harry: Sirius had kids?  
Hermione: Maybe his brother had.  
Ron: Hell_o_!  
Draco: Or _maybe_ these are crap Mary Sues offa the assembly line.  
All: Yup. That's the one.

**Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger all sat by the waterfall in the left wing of Hogwarts Grounds.  
**Ron: A waterfall? Where?  
Harry: Could've fooled me.  
Hermione: A made up WATERFALL! I mean, weren't two new characters ENOUGH for the authors!  
Draco: NOO!  
Readers: HAI HAI!

**Laughing loudly, Pandora attacked Draco with a stick.  
**Harry: You're gay in this one too, Malfoy.  
Draco: OH FOR CRAP'S SAKE –  
Ron: -sidles up to Draco and sneaks his arm around Draco's neck-  
Hermione: -Flattens Ron with heavy metal hammer-

**With a large bruise on his forehead,  
**Harry: Bruises from the stick of luuurve. Meowr.  
Draco: I'm warning you, Potter…  
Harry: -Makes kissy sounds-  
Hermione: -Flattens Harry with heavy metal hammer-

**he hugged her. Meanwhile, Harry pushed Saydie  
**All: DIE!  
Harry: Okay, this is the fourth time…

**into the pool at the bottom of the waterfall.  
**Hermione: Which, let me remind you, DOES NOT EXIST!  
Draco: Wow, her imagination IN her imagination is pretty horrific, huh?

**Mind you, she is part cat  
**Harry: Wow, this just keeps getting better and better.  
Draco: So she had fur all over her body?  
Hermione: -devastated- That the authors go to such depths… _furries…  
_Ron: Meow. Haha I made a funny.  
Harry: -Nod- Yeah, Ron, you're going to have to kill yourself.  
Ron: REALLY? REALLY!  
Harry: -Sigh- Should've realized that wouldn't be a punishment.

**and she does not like water. At all.  
**All: You sure!  
Hermione: -shoots jets of water out of her wand-  
Beat.  
Hermione: Oh, Merlin… SOMEONE GET ME A WAND!

**Nope.  
**All: Really!

**She does't.  
**All: Okay.  
Harry: This is not only bad, it's boring.  
Hermione: And unimaginative.  
Draco: -Wipes lipstick from mouth-  
Beat.  
Draco: WHAT? Can't a man get some privacy?  
Ron: Isn't it supposed to be doesn't? This lady- person- THING can't even spell right!

**Of course, they made up, after Saydie gave Harry the most forcefull nuggie EVER. Yes...it was very painfull.  
**Harry: I'll show you something 'painfull'. A nuggie right back atcha!  
Everyone: Yes, it was very painful.

**Ron and Hermione were ignoring thier love for eachother...as always...whats new?  
**Hermione: -Furious- I'll show you something new! -Flips the bird-  
Draco: Hard to argue with that…

**(A/N: I shall make them like each other eventually. I promise.)  
**Hermione: -Gasp-  
Harry: Surely not!  
Draco: She can't!  
Luna: As long as you're not making Ron like Draco OR Hermione like Draco. -glances at Draco suggestively-  
Ron: NOT MORE CHAPTERS!  
Snape: I'm thinking of youuuuuuu… in my sleepless solitude tonight… -Adjusts corset-  
All: -Die-

**After getting all caught up, they went to Hagrids hut.  
**All: -Unavailable for comment due to temporary death-

**But, he was not there...so naturally, Harry stuck out his chest  
**Harry: -revived- And STICKS A SWORD DOWN THIS STUPID AUTHOR'S THROAT.  
Ron: -Ogles-  
Hermione: For Merlin's sake, Ron, he's a boy!  
Ron: … A blue boy.  
Draco: Isn't his hair black?

**and said  
**All: Come, let us destroy this evil excuse for a fic.  
Beat.  
All: DIE!  
Hermione: … It'll never work.

**"Lets go finds him  
**Hermione: Ohs  
Harry: Reallys  
Draco: Yeses  
Ron: … Let's.  
Luna: Dracos.  
All: ...

**because I don't have anything else better to do with my pathetic life.  
**All: THAN WRITE STUPID USELESS WORKS OF FICTION!

**Yes...very pathetic."  
**All: Hear, hear!

**Finally, they found him deep in the Forrest.  
**Hermione: -Blush-  
The Rest: What?  
Hermione: Tom Hanks is my favourite actor! Look how she's talking about him!  
The Rest: WHAT?  
Beat.  
Harry: HERMIONE! I think, I _think_ she means FOREST.  
Hermione: Oops.

**With Buckbeak.**

**They flew him and Saydie fell off.  
**Harry: And broke her skull  
Draco: Causing her brains to spill out  
Hermione: In a messy heap!  
Ron: And then everyone ate lunch.  
Hermione: -Muttering- Flew him… is that supposed to be some sort of pervert slang?  
Author: -With one hand down his/her pants- I'm not a pervert!  
Luna: Poor, poor Buckbeak.

**Into the water. Oh yay...Harry shall have fun with her tonight...yes she is very angry...she shall tear him limb from limb.  
**Harry: I am now officially lost.  
Hermione: Ditto.  
Draco: I'm with mudblood.  
Ron: -munch- So, when are we going to Disneyworld?

**But...lets talk about Pandora and Malfoy.  
**Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HORRORS! -Clamps two hands on ears and shrieks violently-  
Hermione: -Sarcastically- I've honestly never wanted you more.  
Draco: -Misses sarcasm. Falls on Hermione and dies-  
Hermione: -Notices Draco on self. Dies-  
Harry and Ron: -Spot Filch performing to the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack-  
Beat.  
Harry and Ron: -Die-  
**  
Feeling very brave, Pandora took a deep breath grabbed Draco's hand, and plunged deep into the lake after Harry and Saydie.  
**Draco: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! -Attempts to pull off hand, unsuccessfully- NOOOOOO! -Runs around in circles, collides into wall and sings the Russian national song-  
Hermione: Calm your self, Ferret boy.  
Harry and Ron: -Studying lyrics of Russian National song while running in circles-  
Hermione: Boys.  
Beat.  
Hermione: Oh, what the hell. -Follows suite-

**Bickering and not paying attention, Hermione Ron fell.  
**Hermione and Ron: -Bickering and not paying attention-  
Draco: Looks like fun-  
Harry: Don't even think about it.

**Into the water. **

**YAY CHICKEN!  
**All: YAY CHICKEN! Author will now die of BIRD FLU!  
Beat.  
Harry: Doesn't she ever LISTEN?

**Eventually, Pandora won. Victoriously.  
**Harry: A stunning thought.  
Hermione: She not only WON…  
Draco: She won VICTORIOUSLY.  
-LOUD SOUND-  
Ron: -raises hand- Sorry.

**But as they got out of the lake, Snape yelled at them with his big-nosed goodness.  
**Draco: Wait, that's not right.  
Harry: Yeah, we didn't get out of the lake…  
Hermione: And Snape didn't yell…  
Ron: He wasn't even there!  
Beat.  
Professor Sinistra: So I like indulging in a little cross dressing sometimes!

Draco: Phew. Is it over.  
Hermione: -Points- Far from it. 5 reviews and a new chapter.  
Harry: We'd better prepare ourselves better next time, this did NOT go well.  
Ron: -Blows home-


End file.
